Game of Thrones: Toddler Edition
As I sit and watch the Game of Thrones I can’t help but relate some of it to my life. I know that sounds odd because if my life is anything like the Game of Thrones I’d better duck and cover and hope George R.R. Martin has no idea who I am let alone where I reside. However, the daily insanity of raising toddlers and a preschooler has surprising similarities to a world full of war, underhanded scheming, magical/mythical creatures, and family devotion. Here are 10 ways raising toddlers is like being on the Game of Thrones.
1. Our official title is: ( Insert name ) of the House Toddlaryen, First of Her name, True born queen of the Vandals and the First Toddler, Khaleesi, Breaker of Cheetos, The unkempt, Lady Regent of the seven tantrums, Protector of the Breakables, and Mother of Toddlers.
2. Toddlers too, can lay waste to a city or, at the very least, a living room. Have you ever seen the destructive powers of a toddler on the rampage? It is an awe inspiring sight. Toddlers have no sense of honor, nor do they obey direct commands. Releasing them onto a population of slavers and slaves alike would prove disastrous for all. If we were to unleash a sea of toddlers against the unsullied, I’m fairly certain toddlers would win.
3. The Rains of Castamere can be heard in your home as your toddler destroys things you love, out of nowhere. Have no doubt that toddlers are secret ninjas and murderers of all things precious to you. They will manage to find a way to destroy something you once valued. That one dress that makes your waist and legs look amazing? Beheaded by smears of peanut butter. Your nice stereo system hooked up to your brand new receiver? Slaughtered by insane amounts of button pushing. A beautiful piece of furniture you’ve had in your family for years? Massacred with permanent marker that you honestly have no idea where they found. Mothers of toddlers never know which beloved item is next or when the execution will be carried out.
4.White walkers have nothing on us. If you’ve ever experienced a particularly challenging day with your toddler, you will be able to relate to this one for sure. A toddler has the ability to turn us into demonized frost creatures of myth who roam the woods looking for something to slaughter or maim. There comes a point, after the umpteenth tantrum over the wrong sippy cup, the soul shattering screeching, the destruction of yet another room you just finished picking up, or the 300th cry of “Mom, mom, mom, mom, mom!”, that your mind will snap, your eyes will frost ice blue, and your countenance becomes ice cold. After this phenomenon has occurred all bets are off as to whether anyone who crosses your path lives or dies. Your sour mood infects all who are in proximity thus making your house a haven for all beings arctic, dead, and disastrous. True Story.
5. Our banner that we fly into battle (aka bedtime) looks like this: The silhouette of a woman with two children clinging to her legs holding high a hair brush and a mixing bowl. The background is a beautiful gold fabric smeared with jelly, mac and cheese, and applesauce. To complete our banner, our silhouetted woman is scribbled over in pen.
6. We love our family. No matter what insane things our toddlers throw at us, and despite our complaining, we will always love and protect them, murder for them, plot for them, and overthrow kingdoms for them.
7. Some days facing the day with toddlers is a lot like being paralyzed from a long fall out of the window of a high tower. Before we had children life was full of possibilities. We could frolic and play. Climb whatever vertical obstacle opposed us, and carry on with a summer child-like countenance. Then came the toddlers. Our summer quickly turned to winter as our precious babies transformed into those adorable, hell raising toddlers. Our once carefree existence came crashing down on us and we find ourselves confined to the structure, needs, and demands of our little ones. It can feel paralyzing and suffocating at times. To those of you with young babies in your arms, just remember, Winter is Coming.
8. Valar Morghulis. I am almost certain that all toddlers have secretly been trained by Jaqen H’ghar (if you don’t know/remember him, he’s probably one of the best assassins ever and he can literally change his face). They can murder and destroy something in seconds without a second thought, and then completely change personas into sweet, loving, and adorable cuddle machines. What the hell Jaqen!
9. Wildfire seems an appropriate cleansing agent. After a long day running around chasing your little ones, you will turn around and actually look at the state of your house. It is true that you did, in fact, pick up all day long, but it looks as if you just sat around all day eating bon bons and binge watching Netflix while you let your toddler run amok. I’ve been there (I reside there still) and I’m fairly certain that instead of trying to continue with the insanity of cleaning with children we should, instead, just throw a pot of wildfire on it all and watch the beautiful green flames cleanse the hell out of our house.
10. We too, live at The Wall. Harsh conditions, demanding superiors, exiled from life itself, sentenced to a life of hard labor with no conjugal visits? Sounds like a typical Tuesday to me.
There you have it! Life with little ones can be exhausting, gruelling, and jaw droppingly surprising, but we soldier on in the face of daunting challenges nonetheless. And we can’t imagine life without them (ok, we can, but it doesn’t last long). Now, time to binge watch the last 4 seasons at 9:00 at night while the little ones sleep don’t ya think?